metamorphotic | you've got to carry your heart like a torch in the night.

[Duke hadn't slept much. He'd held Nick until she fell asleep, catnapped beside her and listened for the sounds of a nightmare, then woken up early and tried to find ways to occupy himself until she was up. That meant Irish coffee and flipping through Nick's records, knowing they'd need music later. Hopefully they'd be talking a lot. After he'd run out of things to do he'd grabbed a paperback from her bookshelf and settled down to read it, getting lost in it until he hears her call out.]

Still here!

[He rises and tosses the book into the chair in one smooth motion, peeking his head around her bedroom doorway.] Morning.

Important question. Aspirin hangover or Irish coffee hangover?

[the sound of his voice calling back to her pulls up an unexpected, fluttering lightness high in her chest. she’s equal parts grateful and embarrassed that he stuck around through all of her bullshit meltdown. she’s not sure she would’ve made it through the night without duke by her side.

(it’s not bullshit, she knows that. but it feels somehow selfish to grieve for the dead while she’s still alive.)

nick returns his greeting with a long, pained groan. it’s morning? meh.]

Is “aspirin and Irish coffee hangover” an option? ‘Cause I think that’s what I got.

So all of the above plus a greasy breakfast? I can do that.

[Bacon and eggs usually helped him when he drank too much. She'd need the food today too. They had a lot to get through. Day two was probably the hardest day. It was when everything started to sink in.]

How'd you sleep?

Mm. Maybe just some toast for now. I can get it - in a minute.

[when she can actually sit up. which she makes a valiant effort at, but only manages a slight propping up on her elbows - enough so she can retrieve her half-empty bottle of water from the nightstand. the inside of her mouth feels like sandpaper, and she gulps down the entire rest of the bottle in one go.]

Slept OK, considering. Too drunk for nightmares, at least. [she recaps the now-empty bottle and places it back on the nightstand. she’ll deal with it later.] Um ... I really appreciate you stayin’ with me. Sorry y’had to see me like that. Thought I was gettin’ too old for that kinda bullshit, but apparently not.

[with a deep, loud sigh, she flops back onto the pillow and rubs a hand over her eyes.]

Hope I didn’t say anything weird last night. Or do anything weird. I, um ... I don’t exactly remember everything.

[and she knows all too well the kinds of stunts drunk nick tends to pull.]

[So far this seems like a normal hangover. While uncomfortable and annoying, that was good: any normality was good right now. Normal was the easiest place to get back on your feet.]

Too old for what, exactly? Being upset? Nah. No one gets too old for that.

[Duke slips into the room and retrieves the empty water bottle, offering a hand to pull her up.]

The only weird thing you said was that you wished you were dead too.

[she accepts the hand up to sitting, though she scrunches her eyes shut to counter the predictable wave of dizziness.]

Too old for gettin’ fucked-up drunk every time something shitty happens. [still holding onto duke’s hand, she drops her gaze down to inspect his upturned palm, slowly brushing fingertips over each crease in turn.] Y’know ... I always knew that wasn’t how everyone deals with their shit, but I didn’t care. I told myself that I didn’t spend every waking moment stumbling around in a haze like my mother, so it was fine. Everyone lets off steam sometimes. Maybe I just had more steam to let off than most people. [she makes a quiet noise of disgust.] Stupid. We’re not even blood related - I’m adopted, did I tell ya that? And I still always felt like I was doomed to turn out like her, a miserable drunk stuck in the same shitty little town where she was born ‘til the end of her days. That’s what happens to all the girls there - get born, grow up, get married to a boy they knew in high school, pop out a couple kids, and then just - wait to die. Maybe some of the guys’d get ideas about seeing the world, so they’d join up with the army and go get blown up somewhere else. But not me - if I was gonna die, it was gonna be somewhere a hell of a lot more interesting than Winchester, Kansas.

[nick gently releases his hand and glances up at him, blinking back tears but determined not to start crying all over again.]

I mean, can you blame me? For sayin’ that. Wasn’t exactly a new thought.

It's got nothing to do with age. My dad drank like a fish until the day he died. [Although Simon Crocker had been around Duke's age now when Lucy had killed him.] People drink like that because they can't help it. And because after something that bad, sometimes it's better to be drunk than in your right mind. It's like the one time alcohol can keep you from doing something stupid.

[Like killing yourself. All that dredged-up pain she talks about, the guilt over needing to escape it through alcohol, the hatred for a drunk mother who kept her stuck into a small town with no future -- all of that made sense. Turning it onto herself didn't. She's already escaped Kansas. She's already doing something a hell of a lot more interesting than she could getting married and settling down amidst the cornfields. It makes no sense to punish herself over that now. Nick's not just mourning her murdered friends, she's mourning everything that's ever gone wrong for her.

He doesn't understand why.]

I can't blame you for panicking. That's what it means when people want to die, I think. But I can blame you for thinking that. That's not an option.

Oh, I dunno ‘bout that - I done plenty of stupid shit while I was drunk. It’s just - last time somethin’ like this happened, I said I wasn’t gonna do it anymore. Went entirely sober and stayed that way for a good while, too. Figured maybe I was takin’ a step toward getting my shit together, but I guess not.

[she sighs deeply and rakes her fingers up into her hair. nick’s reaction of self-blame wouldn’t make sense unless duke knew the full scope of the abuse she received from her mother. marlene rivenna wasn’t just an alcoholic - she was violent, had a hairpin-trigger temper, was not subtle about how much she hated her daughter and blamed her for everything wrong, no matter how small or correct or fair it was. after so many years of soaking in that kind of environment, nick learned to instinctively blame and punish herself before her mother got the chance.]

I didn’t panic, Duke. Wantin’ to die and actually doing something about it’s two different things. Don’t worry - ‘Mnot gonna kill myself. Got too much spite in here - [she taps her chest, over her heart] - to let that happen. And I don’t really wanna die anymore, but I did for most of my life. Old habits’re hard to shake.

[especially when you have no good coping skills for dealing with severe emotional distress.]

Well, you didn't do anything stupid last night.

[He means it. Getting drunk, crying, self-pitying, none of that was stupid especially given the circumstances. It was pretty much all she could have done. And if she told Duke about her mother, he'd reiterate this point: she hadn't been violent or angry. The only way Nick was like her mother was that she also believed everything that went wrong was Nick's fault.

He nods slowly. While he doesn't understand her feelings, he knows pressing her on this right now isn't going to make her any more likely to confide in him.]

As long as you're not going anywhere. Okay?

Kinda hoped you still bein' here was a sign I didn't.

[glancing up, she gives him a sad smile. her experience with people - not even just the guys she'd hooked up with, everyone - has been that they don't stay, not for long. she can't think of a single person from her old life back in chicago who would've stuck with her through last night, and that realization pulls simultaneous feelings of gratitude and love for duke and disgust for those from her past who abandoned her. none of them ever expressed this much concern about whether she remained alive, and that world-altering thought cuts sharply, like a knife shoved hilt-deep right into her gut.]

I'm not goin' anywhere. I promise.

[duke probably doesn't know this, but nick doesn't often make promises. so this one is meaningful, because it's such a rarity. and even if he doesn't know that, she does. another wave of tears threatens to start, and nick rubs at her eyes with the heel of her palm.]

Christ, I feel terrible. I haven't cried this much since my dad died. I forgot how shitty it feels.

It's also a sign you're less annoying than my roommate.

[He smiles back at her, reassuring, and leans down to ruffle her hair. Duke has a simple and honest affection for Nick that isn't going away just because she had a horrible night. She's looked out for him when she didn't have to, and that proved she deserved the same from him. The fact that this surprises her still throws him a little, but she doesn't need an argument, she needs a friend.]

Good.

[It's such a relief to hear it that Duke pulls her into a hug, rubbing her shoulders.]

Yeah, this part is going to really suck. That's why I bought tissues.

[the roommate comment manages to tease a tiny laugh out of her.]

Don’t blame you at all. I remember the days of living in the dorms. When Rick offered me the apartment as part of my pay, I said yes immediately.

[she doesn’t hesitate to return the hug this time, arms wrapped tightly around duke as she leans in to brush a kiss against his cheek, then rests her head on his shoulder. eyes closed, she inhales a deep breath and quietly sighs it out.]

Can’t I just go back to sleep for a while and be done with all this shit when I wake up?

[Duke lets Nick hold to him, smiles as she kisses his cheek and buries his face in her hair. He won't let her go if she doesn't want him to.]

You can sleep if you want. All this is still going to be here when you wake up, but I'll be here.

[she knows it’s not that easy. nothing ever is, and most of the time, she accepts that as an immutable fact of existence. still, she can’t help wishing that it could be that easy to get over something as painful as this - just this once.

it’s not easier, not exactly, but duke being here, staying here, helps a lot. nick’s honestly not sure how she would’ve ended up last night if she’s been alone. she’s more grateful for duke’s continued presence than she has words to express.]

I’m such an asshole. I didn’t even ask how you’re doing with ... everything.

[Of course it's not that easy, nothing ever is. But easy and accepting is the best way to approach all the grief and anger and pain Nick will be going through as soon as she stops pushing it off. She's in for a rough day, probably rougher than the previous one.

He wouldn't leave her alone as she goes through all of that. Nick's darker and self-destructive thoughts don't make sense to Duke, but even then he wants to be around as she battles them. There's no way he would've ducked out on her for going through all this difficult stuff.]

Me? I mean...

[Duke settles back on the bed, arms still around her. It's a good question, and it surprises him that his reaction isn't more extreme. A year ago, it would have been.] I saw some people die and it was horrible. That's hard to deal with. But it's not the first time I've seen people die.

It'd be harder to deal with if I knew them. [He pulls away enough to lock eyes with her, communicating his wariness.]

I'm going to put on some music. Is there anything you want me to play?

[nick has plenty of experience at pushing off her feelings - maybe not entirely, maybe not perfectly, maybe not in a way that they don’t fester and bubble up as violent, consuming fits of rage, but the habit is there. she’s never had a chance to take the time to fully process her prior grief and loss, but more significantly, she never had the encouragement to do so, either.

reluctant as nick is to release her hold on the solid, calming warmth he offers, she picks up what duke’s signaling to her when he talks about putting on music. something to mask their words, because talk is about to get real. nick shakes her head.]

Surprise me. Just - maybe not Joy Division.

Fair enough.

[Duke disappears from Nick's arms for just a moment, putting on the first album he gets ahold of. It's the Rolling Stones, the record giving them a decent amount of time to talk. Once the music is on he reaches for another hug and sighs deeply.]

How are you feeling? You went through some real hard stuff yesterday.

Edited (typo) 2020-02-14 08:28 (UTC)

[rolling stones is a good choice - nick’s favorite band, just like her father. she gratefully accepts the hug and returns it just as warmly as it’s given, but hesitates for a long moment before answering duke’s question.]

I wanna say “fine,” ‘cause I don’t want you to worry about me, but obviously that ain’t true. I don’t wanna lie to you, either. [she takes a deep breath and slowly exhales.] Tired. Pissed off, sad, scared. Like I’m empty inside and everything that’s s’posed to be there got put through some kinda fuckin’ blender. Did I already say tired? ‘Cause I’m real tired. Sick, achey, but that’s just the hangover. [still guilty, like it’s her fault her friends and comrades are dead. but duke already knows that from last night, so there’s no need to rehash it.] Like I’d pay someone to stick me all over with hot pokers just so I could feel something else for a while. Tired. And - like I could kiss you for hours just for bein’ here with me right now.

Edited 2020-02-14 20:42 (UTC)

Thanks for telling the truth. That all sounds about right.

[It sounds miserable. It has to be miserable, grief always rips people up while bewildering them with a simultaneous lack of feeling. This grief is different than what Duke's been through: having seen friends die doesn't mean you can get used to people rejoicing in their deaths, an indignity he doesn't even want to imagine.

But it sounds a lot less miserable than it was last night.]

This'll stick for awhile. It's going to be tiring, you're not going to feel much sometimes and you're going to feel too much other times. But you're calling the shots now, you decide how you deal with this. However you want to do that, I'm staying here.

[he sounds like such an expert on this, and it hits such an absurd note for nick that she almost laughs. almost.]

You got a secret life as a motivational speaker I oughta I know about?

[she pulls back from the hug but stays close, keeps her hold on duke, a hand resting along the side of his neck and a thumb idly tracing the line of his jaw while she searches his face like the answers can be found there if she just looks hard enough. what can she do now? she smiles sadly, blinks back tears that keep appearing, unwanted.]

What if I don’t know how to deal with this?

[it was different, when she was a child. she had school to attend, an abusive mother to avoid, a mask to create and practice wearing so the rest of the world would never know how much pain she felt. distractions, things on which to focus that took her attention away from the root of how much she hurt, and eventually, that pain merged into the pain of the rest of her entire existence so thoroughly, there was no distinction.

nick doesn’t want to go through the same process again, even if she could. she’s not that girl anymore, and she doesn’t want to go back to being a monster who hurts people just because she can.]

Only thing I can think about right now is ...

[slowly, she leans forward, intending to kiss him, if he’s of a mind to accept it. her heart hurts with the numerous holes ripped open by her numerous losses, but it’s also full of love and gratitude for duke. she's never been good at expressing these kinds of emotions with words - she relies on the language of touch instead.]

Edited 2020-02-16 22:16 (UTC)

No, just a regular businessman-slash-criminal-slash-pawnbroker. Why? Do you think my talks would sell?

[Grieving's not something he ever wanted to be an expert at. It's not something he's ever tried to teach either, but he knows Nick is vulnerable in a way other women in his life haven't been. Not everyone was accustomed to death like Audrey, for whom homicide was just Monday morning paperwork, or unattached enough to shake it off like Evi. Duke knew how to deal with it because it was nothing new to him. It always hurt, always left a feeling of numb confusion too, but it had happened frequently enough that he'd learned to accept it.

So he's just doing what he can. Nick strokes his face as she talks, leans in, and he kisses her. Not because she's beautiful, not because she's hurting, not just because of that, but because he meant what he said: they'd do this how she wanted. He kisses her softly, arms wrapped comforting around her, accepting that love and gratitude. She deserves solace and peace and strength, he's just somehow the first person who's insisted on that.

He breaks off the kiss slowly, leaning their foreheads together and holding Nick tightly, looking into her eyes.]

Hey.

Like I told you, I'll be here however you want to deal with all this. [Sex was life-affirming. Love, or at least really caring for someone, was life-affirming. That makes sense, and given how awesome and hot he thinks Nick is, Duke's not about to say no.]

I just need to know that we're on the same page. This might help. But it's not going to make everything go away.

You don’t gotta humor me, Duke. I know this ain’t gonna make it all go away - it never does. I just - I gotta stop feeling like this, like I’m slowly bein’ pulled apart from the inside. Even if it’s just for a little while.

[it’s a bandaid, a distraction - one that’s less self-destructive than getting blackout drunk, one she’s used many times in the past but never with someone as meaningful as duke. she closes her eyes and slowly traces a fingertip along the curve of his lower lip.]

Y’know, I can’t remember if I told my dad I loved him before he died. I’ll never know if he knew how much he meant to me. I’ll never know if Vergil knew I cared, ‘cause I never told him. And I just ... if anything happened to you, I’d wanna be sure you know.

[how much he means to her, how grateful she is for his friendship and how much he cares for her in ways no one else has before. how much she loves him. she leans in and kisses him again, slow and deep, holding onto him tightly, like he’s a lifeline, a light in the dark.]

Edited 2020-02-17 23:59 (UTC)

If that's what you need, okay.

And I'm not humoring you. [He understood it being a coping mechanism, but if this was going to happen Duke didn't want to know he was Nick's. If that was how she needed him to be there during one of the most painful days of her life so far, he's fine with it, but he'd rather it ultimately be something more mutual than that.] Just...whatever happens I'd like to know something more could, you know? And not just because today hurts.

[Duke's dealt with ghosts who were far too knowledgeable about the living for any comfort, he's dealt with Nathan dying and resurrecting, but he still has little idea what happens when someone dies. It'd be nice to believe they knew what their loved ones felt about them. He hopes they do.

Nick traces his lip with her fingertip and he places his hand over hers, squeezing it gently as he returns the kiss.] I'm sure your dad knew. [He hopes Vergil did.] And I know too.

Edited 2020-02-19 12:47 (UTC)

I’m not just using you, if that’s what you’re thinkin’.

[maybe she’s misreading because she’s hungover and her head is throbbing, but that’s how nick’s reading duke’s concern. and she can’t argue that he doesn’t have good reason to entertain that thought - it halfway feels like it to her, even though she knows it’s not true. she sits back on her heels, frowning. maybe she should explain, for both of them.]

Might not be a surprise, but I used to be kind of a shitty person. And I did use guys like that, so I didn’t have to keep thinkin’ about how much I hated myself and my life and everything. I didn’t care about ‘em, and most of ‘em didn’t care about me, either, ‘cept for what they could get outta me. But I don’t wanna be that girl anymore - I’m not that girl anymore. I care about you more than that, Duke.

[much more, in fact. and he says he knows how she feels about him, but does he really? everything about this situation feels confusing now.]

What kinda more d’you want with me?

I didn't think you were using me. [Not precisely. Duke didn't mind being someone's conquest, he didn't mind being someone's one-night stand, he just didn't want to downgrade from a friendship to that. Grief threw an extra level of difficulty into things.] I know you care, that's why I wanted to be sure. I care about you too.

[Maybe he shouldn't have said anything to begin with. This was getting messy and complicated on top of the complicated mess she'd started in. He was just worried -- that she'd get scared, maybe, or that it would be easier to lump him with the other guys she didn't care about, and who didn't care about her.]

I don't know what kind of more I want. My love life kind of blew up on me this year, it's a weird time to be making plans. Right now I want to make sure you'll be all right. That this isn't going to blow things up again.

Edited 2020-02-20 03:30 (UTC)

you've got to carry your heart like a torch in the night.

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