metamorphotic | you've got to carry your heart like a torch in the night.

[the roommate comment manages to tease a tiny laugh out of her.]

Don’t blame you at all. I remember the days of living in the dorms. When Rick offered me the apartment as part of my pay, I said yes immediately.

[she doesn’t hesitate to return the hug this time, arms wrapped tightly around duke as she leans in to brush a kiss against his cheek, then rests her head on his shoulder. eyes closed, she inhales a deep breath and quietly sighs it out.]

Can’t I just go back to sleep for a while and be done with all this shit when I wake up?

[Duke lets Nick hold to him, smiles as she kisses his cheek and buries his face in her hair. He won't let her go if she doesn't want him to.]

You can sleep if you want. All this is still going to be here when you wake up, but I'll be here.

[she knows it’s not that easy. nothing ever is, and most of the time, she accepts that as an immutable fact of existence. still, she can’t help wishing that it could be that easy to get over something as painful as this - just this once.

it’s not easier, not exactly, but duke being here, staying here, helps a lot. nick’s honestly not sure how she would’ve ended up last night if she’s been alone. she’s more grateful for duke’s continued presence than she has words to express.]

I’m such an asshole. I didn’t even ask how you’re doing with ... everything.

[Of course it's not that easy, nothing ever is. But easy and accepting is the best way to approach all the grief and anger and pain Nick will be going through as soon as she stops pushing it off. She's in for a rough day, probably rougher than the previous one.

He wouldn't leave her alone as she goes through all of that. Nick's darker and self-destructive thoughts don't make sense to Duke, but even then he wants to be around as she battles them. There's no way he would've ducked out on her for going through all this difficult stuff.]

Me? I mean...

[Duke settles back on the bed, arms still around her. It's a good question, and it surprises him that his reaction isn't more extreme. A year ago, it would have been.] I saw some people die and it was horrible. That's hard to deal with. But it's not the first time I've seen people die.

It'd be harder to deal with if I knew them. [He pulls away enough to lock eyes with her, communicating his wariness.]

I'm going to put on some music. Is there anything you want me to play?

[nick has plenty of experience at pushing off her feelings - maybe not entirely, maybe not perfectly, maybe not in a way that they don’t fester and bubble up as violent, consuming fits of rage, but the habit is there. she’s never had a chance to take the time to fully process her prior grief and loss, but more significantly, she never had the encouragement to do so, either.

reluctant as nick is to release her hold on the solid, calming warmth he offers, she picks up what duke’s signaling to her when he talks about putting on music. something to mask their words, because talk is about to get real. nick shakes her head.]

Surprise me. Just - maybe not Joy Division.

Fair enough.

[Duke disappears from Nick's arms for just a moment, putting on the first album he gets ahold of. It's the Rolling Stones, the record giving them a decent amount of time to talk. Once the music is on he reaches for another hug and sighs deeply.]

How are you feeling? You went through some real hard stuff yesterday.

Edited (typo) 2020-02-14 08:28 (UTC)

[rolling stones is a good choice - nick’s favorite band, just like her father. she gratefully accepts the hug and returns it just as warmly as it’s given, but hesitates for a long moment before answering duke’s question.]

I wanna say “fine,” ‘cause I don’t want you to worry about me, but obviously that ain’t true. I don’t wanna lie to you, either. [she takes a deep breath and slowly exhales.] Tired. Pissed off, sad, scared. Like I’m empty inside and everything that’s s’posed to be there got put through some kinda fuckin’ blender. Did I already say tired? ‘Cause I’m real tired. Sick, achey, but that’s just the hangover. [still guilty, like it’s her fault her friends and comrades are dead. but duke already knows that from last night, so there’s no need to rehash it.] Like I’d pay someone to stick me all over with hot pokers just so I could feel something else for a while. Tired. And - like I could kiss you for hours just for bein’ here with me right now.

Edited 2020-02-14 20:42 (UTC)

Thanks for telling the truth. That all sounds about right.

[It sounds miserable. It has to be miserable, grief always rips people up while bewildering them with a simultaneous lack of feeling. This grief is different than what Duke's been through: having seen friends die doesn't mean you can get used to people rejoicing in their deaths, an indignity he doesn't even want to imagine.

But it sounds a lot less miserable than it was last night.]

This'll stick for awhile. It's going to be tiring, you're not going to feel much sometimes and you're going to feel too much other times. But you're calling the shots now, you decide how you deal with this. However you want to do that, I'm staying here.

[he sounds like such an expert on this, and it hits such an absurd note for nick that she almost laughs. almost.]

You got a secret life as a motivational speaker I oughta I know about?

[she pulls back from the hug but stays close, keeps her hold on duke, a hand resting along the side of his neck and a thumb idly tracing the line of his jaw while she searches his face like the answers can be found there if she just looks hard enough. what can she do now? she smiles sadly, blinks back tears that keep appearing, unwanted.]

What if I don’t know how to deal with this?

[it was different, when she was a child. she had school to attend, an abusive mother to avoid, a mask to create and practice wearing so the rest of the world would never know how much pain she felt. distractions, things on which to focus that took her attention away from the root of how much she hurt, and eventually, that pain merged into the pain of the rest of her entire existence so thoroughly, there was no distinction.

nick doesn’t want to go through the same process again, even if she could. she’s not that girl anymore, and she doesn’t want to go back to being a monster who hurts people just because she can.]

Only thing I can think about right now is ...

[slowly, she leans forward, intending to kiss him, if he’s of a mind to accept it. her heart hurts with the numerous holes ripped open by her numerous losses, but it’s also full of love and gratitude for duke. she's never been good at expressing these kinds of emotions with words - she relies on the language of touch instead.]

Edited 2020-02-16 22:16 (UTC)

No, just a regular businessman-slash-criminal-slash-pawnbroker. Why? Do you think my talks would sell?

[Grieving's not something he ever wanted to be an expert at. It's not something he's ever tried to teach either, but he knows Nick is vulnerable in a way other women in his life haven't been. Not everyone was accustomed to death like Audrey, for whom homicide was just Monday morning paperwork, or unattached enough to shake it off like Evi. Duke knew how to deal with it because it was nothing new to him. It always hurt, always left a feeling of numb confusion too, but it had happened frequently enough that he'd learned to accept it.

So he's just doing what he can. Nick strokes his face as she talks, leans in, and he kisses her. Not because she's beautiful, not because she's hurting, not just because of that, but because he meant what he said: they'd do this how she wanted. He kisses her softly, arms wrapped comforting around her, accepting that love and gratitude. She deserves solace and peace and strength, he's just somehow the first person who's insisted on that.

He breaks off the kiss slowly, leaning their foreheads together and holding Nick tightly, looking into her eyes.]

Hey.

Like I told you, I'll be here however you want to deal with all this. [Sex was life-affirming. Love, or at least really caring for someone, was life-affirming. That makes sense, and given how awesome and hot he thinks Nick is, Duke's not about to say no.]

I just need to know that we're on the same page. This might help. But it's not going to make everything go away.

You don’t gotta humor me, Duke. I know this ain’t gonna make it all go away - it never does. I just - I gotta stop feeling like this, like I’m slowly bein’ pulled apart from the inside. Even if it’s just for a little while.

[it’s a bandaid, a distraction - one that’s less self-destructive than getting blackout drunk, one she’s used many times in the past but never with someone as meaningful as duke. she closes her eyes and slowly traces a fingertip along the curve of his lower lip.]

Y’know, I can’t remember if I told my dad I loved him before he died. I’ll never know if he knew how much he meant to me. I’ll never know if Vergil knew I cared, ‘cause I never told him. And I just ... if anything happened to you, I’d wanna be sure you know.

[how much he means to her, how grateful she is for his friendship and how much he cares for her in ways no one else has before. how much she loves him. she leans in and kisses him again, slow and deep, holding onto him tightly, like he’s a lifeline, a light in the dark.]

Edited 2020-02-17 23:59 (UTC)

If that's what you need, okay.

And I'm not humoring you. [He understood it being a coping mechanism, but if this was going to happen Duke didn't want to know he was Nick's. If that was how she needed him to be there during one of the most painful days of her life so far, he's fine with it, but he'd rather it ultimately be something more mutual than that.] Just...whatever happens I'd like to know something more could, you know? And not just because today hurts.

[Duke's dealt with ghosts who were far too knowledgeable about the living for any comfort, he's dealt with Nathan dying and resurrecting, but he still has little idea what happens when someone dies. It'd be nice to believe they knew what their loved ones felt about them. He hopes they do.

Nick traces his lip with her fingertip and he places his hand over hers, squeezing it gently as he returns the kiss.] I'm sure your dad knew. [He hopes Vergil did.] And I know too.

Edited 2020-02-19 12:47 (UTC)

I’m not just using you, if that’s what you’re thinkin’.

[maybe she’s misreading because she’s hungover and her head is throbbing, but that’s how nick’s reading duke’s concern. and she can’t argue that he doesn’t have good reason to entertain that thought - it halfway feels like it to her, even though she knows it’s not true. she sits back on her heels, frowning. maybe she should explain, for both of them.]

Might not be a surprise, but I used to be kind of a shitty person. And I did use guys like that, so I didn’t have to keep thinkin’ about how much I hated myself and my life and everything. I didn’t care about ‘em, and most of ‘em didn’t care about me, either, ‘cept for what they could get outta me. But I don’t wanna be that girl anymore - I’m not that girl anymore. I care about you more than that, Duke.

[much more, in fact. and he says he knows how she feels about him, but does he really? everything about this situation feels confusing now.]

What kinda more d’you want with me?

I didn't think you were using me. [Not precisely. Duke didn't mind being someone's conquest, he didn't mind being someone's one-night stand, he just didn't want to downgrade from a friendship to that. Grief threw an extra level of difficulty into things.] I know you care, that's why I wanted to be sure. I care about you too.

[Maybe he shouldn't have said anything to begin with. This was getting messy and complicated on top of the complicated mess she'd started in. He was just worried -- that she'd get scared, maybe, or that it would be easier to lump him with the other guys she didn't care about, and who didn't care about her.]

I don't know what kind of more I want. My love life kind of blew up on me this year, it's a weird time to be making plans. Right now I want to make sure you'll be all right. That this isn't going to blow things up again.

Edited 2020-02-20 03:30 (UTC)

[it’s not a bad thing to be talking about all of this before proceeding any farther - it’s just so different from what nick’s used to. but duke is so different from anyone else nick’s ever met, so that’s fitting.]

I gotta be OK - I don’t really have a choice, y’know? Forget about what I said last night. I’ve come too far to give up now - to let these things win. [machines. things that killed people she knew and loved. and she’s damn sure not gonna give them anyone else.] You said three days, right? So I’ll be OK in three days.

[not likely - not entirely. but nick has always been a survivor, even when she didn’t want to be one.

she ponders the options before her for a long moment. her frayed nerves beg for the familiar, warm release of finding physical comfort in sex, and based on past experience, she knows that’s certain to be found with duke. but is she moving too fast? she’s used to moving fast; attention spans are short. and she’s never had a friend like duke before - friend with benefits, yes, but heavier on the benefits side than the friend side. in truth, she hadn’t been able to stand chris most of the time, especially when he talked. they hadn’t had much in common except for the sex, and that’s not at all how she sees her connection with duke. he is a friend - a good one at that - and they’ve also slept together a few times.

and sleeping with him again isn’t off the table entirely, she thinks. she hopes? but maybe not yet. nick settles back against the pillows on one side of the bed and waves for duke to join her in the space she’s made for him.]

C’mere. I won’t bite.

[Duke's spirits rise when Nick talks about fighting back, about going on. It was the best thing she could've said: if she reassured him she didn't want to die, that was one thing. Wanting to defeat these things meant living for a valiant reason. He finds himself flashing her a small smile.] You're right.

Yeah. Three days, and we're going to get you to okay. [The smile fades from his face.] What I didn't tell you is that day two's the hardest. That's why you're calling the shots. But this particular shot, I want to make sure it won't complicate anything after this.

[Friends with benefits probably was the best term for them, and as Nick's friend Duke didn't want to discourage her, especially now. She was a beautiful and amazing person, he wanted to do what was right by her, and that's why he has to be sure that sex was going to make things better, not worse. He'd lost enough friends already, he didn't want to lose her due to emotional clumsiness.

He lays down alongside her, draping his arm around her for the human contact, to remind them both that they're still here. It's the least he can do.]

Biting's not what I was worried about, but thanks. And for the record, I think you're doing pretty good so far.

[nick doesn’t feel like she’s doing good, but it seems pointless to argue. instead, she manages a small, soft smile and wraps an arm around duke’s shoulder, curling in closer.]

We’re friends, right? [that’s what he said last night, and she doesn’t disagree.] Trust me, I’m not about to throw away a friend like you over something like this. You’re one of the best things that’s ever happened to me, y’know?

[which is a weird thing to say in such a fucked up situation, sure. doesn’t make it any less true. nick closes her eyes and brushes a kiss to his forehead, and continues in a drowsy murmur:]

We don’t have to if you don’t want it. And you don’t have to want it just ‘cause I do, ‘cause it’s gonna help me feel better and get through this shitshow. But it’s not gonna complicate anything from my end. Either way, I’m glad you’re here. I don’t know if I could’ve got through last night without you.

[when she leans in this time, it’s to brush her lips against his. then she settles back against the pillow, exhales a soft breath, and blinks her eyes open again.]

That blowing up you mentioned ... was it something like this? ‘Mnot tryin’ to be nosy, just wondering why you’re worried about this going complicated.

Yeah, we're friends. [That was comfortable, felt safe. While Duke would normally be willing to take a risk over safe, the key word was normal. They were in short supply of that in Dualis, especially so soon after the executions. You don't rock a boat in stormy conditions. He pulls her against him, arm resting on the small of her back, smiles.] We're going to have to make sure more good things happen to you.

It's not that I don't want it. I just don't want to mess this up. Am I messing this up?

[It's a real question, and he guesses he owes her an answer in turn. Duke sighs, not pleased to touch on the topic, but it was fair of Nick to ask.]

Not exactly. Most of the women I've dated or tried to date this year, something bad's happened. Usually Trouble stuff.

[between duke and drifter, nick thinks she's already been overpaid on good things to come from this awful place. it's a strange feeling, to have so much good in her life now when there was such a huge absence of it before, but she's trying to get used to it. she's also trying to shake the long-held belief that she doesn't deserve good things, good people, good friends. yesterday was a bad backslide, but today, she's got duke by her side, and that's proof, because he is a good man and a good friend. case in point: his concern and caution over her.]

You're not messing anything up. Like I said - I'm just glad you're here. If something more happens, that'll be nice, but if you just hang out with me like this, that's good too.

[she leans in to brush another soft kiss against his mouth, hopeful that duke will take it as a sign of reassurance that she won't be upset if nothing more of a physical nature happens today.]

I'm sorry ... you don't have to tell me more if you don't wanna, but I don't mind if you wanna talk about it. I feel like I've been talkin' too much anyway.

[capital-t trouble stuff always sounds bad, and nick remembers what duke confessed to her last night about his own trouble. she can't imagine how complicated it would be to throw all of that into the mix with dating.]

This, I can do.

[He feels a little guilty offering to do whatever she needed to heal and then holding back. Duke's glad she's willing to settle for being close. More than that seemed too extreme too fast, too likely to shake whatever they had loose from its moorings. A kiss, a safe place, a friend: maybe that could be enough.]

It's hard to explain. The dating pool in Haven is a little more dangerous than it is here. [Which sounds so much like a joke even he has to smile at it.] Since the Troubles started up, the girls I've been into have, uh -- one almost killed me with her Trouble. Two died. And the next one, she... [Was my best friend. Turned me down. Loves someone else. Got abducted by an evil teleporting barn dimension.] I was trying to help her when I got here.

Edited 2020-02-23 04:58 (UTC)

[nick doesn’t feel like she’s settling with duke. she’s a physical person, communicates better through the language of touch, and what she needs to heal is simply that - positive, reassuring, comforting touch, something that she previously has only been able to acquire in a sexual context. she hasn’t known how to ask for what she needs in any other way until now, nor would she have been comfortable asking, but she can do that now with duke.

though she almost wishes she hadn’t asked when he tells her two of his romantic pursuits of the past year died. one almost killing him is bad enough, and being separated from another and ending up here instead is pretty awful, but two others, dead - that’s more than anyone should have to deal with.

no wonder he’s so experienced with loss that he’s got a three-day grieving plan worked out.]

Duke ... Jesus.

[her expression pinches in sympathetic pain, eyelashes damp with tears that have sprung up unexpectedly. like last night when he’d confessed to killing a man to save the lives of his children, she’s overcome with the impulse to kiss him over and over, to reinforce that he deserves to be loved. so she leans in, conveys how much she wishes he never had to experience this pain with her hand softly cupping his jaw. how is duke one of the most stable, solid people she’s ever met, with how much horror he’s lived through?]

[What do you even say about that? What can you say? For a while Duke stays silent, closing his eyes and accepting Nick's gentle touch to his face. He'd been bearing those losses alone for the most part, something he'd learned to do as well as he could, so the sympathy was more than welcome. He moves his hand over hers again, holding it, stroking his thumb over it, and just looks at her.

It had been a long time since he'd had the breathing room to hold someone and just look at them. It strikes him suddenly how rare that is, how likely it is that it might not happen again, either here or in Haven.]

Vanessa could predict people's deaths and saved them until she died trying. Evi got shot trying to break a quarantine. Audrey's the one I tried to bring back. She's my friend, and wherever she is now, we need her back home.

[No mention of the woman who nearly killed him, that's not a story he's ready to tell. Instead he just sighs and traces her cheek in turn, his fingers finding her hair and gently combing through. He notes the tears gathering in her eyes with a frown.]

Sorry. Ex talk sucks even when it doesn't include obituaries. And lately I'm a little worried I might be bad luck.

[she knows better than to ask about his brush with death while dating. some stories are too much to tell. it’s been years since that awful nightbane in stanley park attacked her, and the memory still terrifies her as it reminds her of how easily she could’ve died. she can only guess at how much worse what duke experienced could be, and for him, it was much more recent. so she doesn’t press for that story - duke will talk about it when he’s ready, if ever.]

You got nothin’ to be sorry about. [she forces a small, sad smile for him.] And I don’t think it’s you that’s the bad luck - sounds more like it’s that town you’re from.

[she turns her head so her lips find the underside of his wrist, where she places a soft kiss. her heart spills over with the volume of her love for him, and she doesn’t have the words to tell him. the only way she can express the depth of what she feels is by touch, with kisses and the gentle brushing of fingertips over his skin.

she hopes it’s enough.]

You’ve been nothing but good luck for me.

[He isn't ready to talk about it. Even if he was, it's the wrong time for it. It might be the wrong time to bring up anyone he'd lost, this was supposed to be about Nick and not him. Maybe it shows her she isn't alone? Maybe it shows him.

He'd come here to comfort her and instead she was trying to make him feel better, holding him and showing him with softness. He tries to think of the last time that had happened to him. Duke's used to being needed, he isn't as used to being wanted. He spends more time holding other people up than he does being held, and Nick's trying to hold him up even when she can't stand up straight herself. It's the kindest thing anyone's done for him in months.]

Maybe my luck is changing.

[they’re both hurting - maybe duke wasn’t as close to those who were executed, but it’s still a jarring, awful thing to witness, a not-so-subtle warning to obey, or else. and if it drags up memories of duke’s more recent losses? nick is, without question, willing to offer support in the same vein as what duke’s already given her. that’s what friends do - they support each other.]

That reminds me of this Radiohead song - d’you know it? I’m on a roll, I’m on a roll, this time ... I feel my luck could change ...

[the words she sings are quiet, almost fragile as she breathes them out, eyes closed. she slips her hand over his, laces their fingers together. moves in closer to kiss him slowly and hopes the affection is accepted.]

Is this OK?

[it’s what she wants, but if he doesn’t, she’ll stop.]

(no subject)

exceptionalcrook - 2020-03-06 06:20 (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

metamorphotic - 2020-03-10 23:07 (UTC) - Expand